Q & A: How to handle divorce over the holidays

Q: My husband and I have decided to end our marriage of 10+ years but the timing is bad considering the holidays are right around the corner. How do we break it to our kids and survive the holidays with out making things worse?

-T. Marks, Washington

A: First, I am so sorry that you and your husband are facing this and the timing is not the best but there really isn’t a great time for families to go through a divorce. The holidays are especially stressful and can make a bad situation much worse very quickly. Only you and your husband know how volatile your relationship is at this point so I encourage you to talk with him about whether or not the two of you can peacefully coexist until after the first of the year. For some, this isn’t a good option and if your husband and you can not be peaceful for the next couple of months a clean break may be the best option for all involved.

If the two of you can be peaceful and respectful to each other for the next couple of months, and there is no clear risk of abuse or violence of any kind, then postponing the inevitable could be an option rather than springing this on your children right now. It is a tough call, but if you and your soon to be ex are on the same page you can use this last family holiday time as a very peaceful and respectful way to end this marriage on a high note by choosing to act as co-parents that realize that they once loved each other very much. Remember, from that love came some pretty lucky kids that will one day appreciate everything that has gone into their childhood from you and their father.

Again, if there is any danger or abuse-including verbal-then staying together can very well make something that is bad today even worse tomorrow and that is actually a worse outcome for your children than just separating right now. If you do choose to stay under the same roof, respectfully and peacefully, I advise that you avoid any alcohol, any talk of each other’s family (right now isn’t a good time to tell him you always hated his brother), any talk of past arguments or any other hot button topics and if you are really sure about ending this I also advise you to be clear with your spouse about where you stand as far as sex is concerned from this point on, to avoid any bruised egos or misinterpreted gestures. Being respectful and honest with each other is going to be your best bet for making this transition the easiest for your entire family.

Finally, allow yourself to cry. Even if it’s alone at 3am or in the shower, it is perfectly alright for you to cry and mourn the end of your marriage. No one walks into a marriage expecting it to end and even the most mix matched couples enter into a marriage expecting it to be forever. It’s like the death of a best friend, really. You expect it to be there forever, good and bad and one day you realize that it isn’t going to be there anymore. That is going to take some healing for you and your husband. Dealing with your own disappointment, sadness, regret or anger will better prepare you for when the time comes to help your children deal with their own feelings regarding the end of your marriage.

And pray. Even if you aren’t a prayer, pray. It won’t make things worse, and you need a confidant that you can be 100% with, you can be vulnerable with and you can feel is not judging you…so pray.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you and your family a very peaceful and loving holiday season.

-Samantha